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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24656869">of razor blades, coffee, cigarettes, sex, and booze</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iuckingfdiot/pseuds/iuckingfdiot'>iuckingfdiot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rupaul’s drag race</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Angst, Cis Lesbians, Cocaine, Drinking, Eating Disorders, F/F, RuPaul’s Drag Race RPF - Freeform, Sadness, Self-Harm, Smoking, They’re lesbians, fluff?, rpdr, substance-abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:01:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,088</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24656869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iuckingfdiot/pseuds/iuckingfdiot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A quick story about how Katya grows overtime and discovers the only thing that she really needs.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>of razor blades, coffee, cigarettes, sex, and booze</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone, there is some triggering stuff in here so please watch out! also trixie and katya are lesbians in this just an FYI, ok love you guys<br/>ALSO i was basing the ages off of when i had experienced them cause hey why not?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Katya is 12 when her life begins to dissolve into complete and utter chaos.<br/>
She is 12 when she has her first girlfriend.<br/>
She’s 12 when she realizes that kisses feel good, but so does coffee, booze, and razor blades on her skin.<br/>
She’s 13 and her heart’s already been broken too many times by too many girls.<br/>
She’s 13 and she’s only still alive because of the ashy taste of cigarettes that fills her lungs and the cold burning feeling of vodka that settles in her stomach.<br/>
She’s 13 and she spends her nights drinking, smoking, and crying realizing that she’s too young to want to die.<br/>
She’s 13 and doesn’t know how it started, but every word that comes out of her mouth seems to be a lie.<br/>
She’s 13 and she downed a handful of sleeping pills with her vodka, only to stumble into the bathroom to throw it up in a sad attempt to end it all.<br/>
She’s 14 and starves herself because she’s not beautiful and never will until she’s just skin and bones.<br/>
She’s 14 and only finds joy when she’s fucking someone she barley knows and gets blackout drunk on her parent’s wine, whisky, and vodka they have in the cabinet downstairs that she sneaks into when it’s 2am and everyone’s asleep.<br/>
She’s 14 and downs a bottle of cough syrup, hoping to get some sort of high to take the pain away<br/>
She’s 15 and she doesn’t think she has any tears left to cry.<br/>
She’s 15 and throws up after every meal because she can’t stand the feeling of being full.<br/>
She’s 15 and doesn’t realize that she has a problem until she’s on the 2nd day of a weeklong school trip and she sits in the cold water of the bathtub fully clothed, crying and beginning to hyperventilate, just because she hasn’t had any substances in 48 hours.<br/>
She’s 15 when she finds her grandparent’s Oxycodone in the medicine cabinet and discovers the wonders of opioids.<br/>
She’s 15 and her hands shake whenever she doesn’t take the crushed up pain meds that she’s grown to snort every night because at this point she’s addicted but can’t bring herself to care.<br/>
She’s 16 and realizes that coke and vodka make a fantastic mix.<br/>
She’s 16 and failing school and drinking too much and her parents don’t know how to help her.<br/>
She's 16 when her parents find her stash of pills, razors, and cigarettes in a box under her bed and send her to a two week long stay at rehab. It's funny that they think she's 'better' now when in reality she just has gotten better at hiding her shit.<br/>
She's 16 when she takes her girlfriend's Adderall and discovers speed.<br/>
She’s 16 and weighs herself every day because she hates her body and just needs to be thinner, thinner, thinner.<br/>
She’s 16 coming back to school from summer break and a teacher asks her how her summer was, she puts on a fake smile and answers, “Good, you?” when in reality she doesn’t remember shit because she was either high or drunk all summer.<br/>
She’s 16 when she looks into her parents eyes and hates herself for putting them through this.<br/>
She’s 17 and is at one of Violet’s parties and she doesn’t know how she got here, but there’s a man on top of her and he has his fingers up her skirt. She can’t move or scream because she took too much coke and she doesn’t want this but it’s too late and...and... and he slides out of her, leaves, and she’s left on the couch shaking. (She later thinks about telling someone but then realizes she can’t because she would have to tell them she was high off her ass on coke and vodka.)<br/>
She’s 17 and is trying to be a better daughter.<br/>
She’s 17 and tries to get her grades up so she can go to collage and maybe her her own house someday.<br/>
She’s 18 and she graduated, which is honestly a shock because she thought she wouldn’t make it past the age of 12.<br/>
She’s 18 and she drinks again, it’s not like she ever stopped, but she graduated and that was her goal.<br/>
She’s 19 when she sees her parents smile and forces a smile back, knowing that they don’t know about the vodka, razor blades, and cigarettes hidden in the bottom of her suitcase.<br/>
She’s 20 and doesn’t think about much except the girls that come into her room late at night for a quick fucking and leave early in the morning without a goodbye.<br/>
She’s 20 and has a bottle of vodka in her hand, sitting on the couch at a party when a blonde-headed bright-eyed girl comes and sits next to her with a smile. When the girl- Trixie she tells her- says that maybe she shouldn’t hog the vodka because she wants a sip.<br/>
She’s 20 when she invites Trixie over and they have hot sex in her dorm and she starts crying when she comes because no one has held her the way Trixie does. When Trixie rests her head on Katya’s tits and traces the scars on her forearm with her pointer finger while Katya breaks apart.<br/>
She’s 21 when Trixie helps her get through horrible withdraws and holds her hair back when she’s throwing up and screaming that she can’t do this anymore.<br/>
She’s 21 and she’s sober when most people her age would have just started to drink.<br/>
She’s 21 and the smile on her face is real for the first time in years.<br/>
She’s 21 and doesn’t want to die because Trixie is laying next to her in bed and that’s all she needs.<br/>
She’s 25 when she walks into her and Trixie’s new apartment hand in hand.<br/>
She’s 25 when she kisses Trixie passionately and tells her that she loves her, because she does.<br/>
She’s 26 when she’s struggling with her sobriety and Trixie drives her to her therapist, the same one she’s been going to since she was 16, and Trixie holds her close and tells her she’ll always be here for her.<br/>
Shes 26 and didn’t relapse, only thanks to Trixie and her therapist.<br/>
She’s 28 when she sees Trixie walk down the isle and cries happy tears because she’s so glad she’s alive.<br/>
She’s 28 and is finally happy, without the substances, without the razors, without the meaningless sex, just with Trixie, her safe euphoria.</p>
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